#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
You Might Also Like
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?