Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
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Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was âonly on the insideâ.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick đ
Her: oh.. đ *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
my father has started calling me âdaughter number oneâ either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, âother daughterâ & my brother, âboy daughterâ
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh thatâs screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but youâre not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: itâs just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so youâre saying I donât meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bangâ this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”