Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.