Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
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Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Oh yeah that’s it
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
won’t smith
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.