[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
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I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally