Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
You Might Also Like
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Batman v Dracula