imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
there’s probably a fee though
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet