IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
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How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?