Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
And bowling should be called pinball
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years