Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.