Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
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Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
me refusing to leave twitter
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I can’t stop watching this.