Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Rt to bother an English speaker
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”