Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
asked my bf how work was today
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
This is my emotional support online shopping cart