impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
You Might Also Like
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]