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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.