In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.