In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
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To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house