In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
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A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted