In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
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*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
A double negative is a big no-no.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
How to find Kentucky on a map
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”