Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*