In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”