In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
It’s the weekend y’all
This is a sub tweet
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.