In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.