@MeepisMurder

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

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@ShortSleeveSuit

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

@ZitoCousin

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

@riot4rach

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

@brianbowman73

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

@Mom_Overboard

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

@ColoradoUgly

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

@crunchenhanced

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

@ozzyunc

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.