in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers


17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.


Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute


I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*



Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync


I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.


The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.


It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.


I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.