in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I can’t stop laughing at this
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.