In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
guilty
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!