In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

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Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.


me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?


89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.


Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!


My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.


My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master


We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji


I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.


Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.