@UnFitz Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
@corysnearowski In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
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@UnFitz 
@pleatedjeans me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
@Love_bug1016 89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
@slimmy_shady Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
@UnfilteredMama My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
@TheWidowmakerX My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
@SortaBad We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
@Mandiatrandom1 I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
@SCbchbum Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
@Pundamentalism “Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”