In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
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Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Wednesday
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.