In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
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I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first