In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
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I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.