In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.