In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.