In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
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LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I forgot how to panic. Help
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.