[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg