*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
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Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate