Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died