In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I didn’t come here to be called names
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR