In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
mom gave me mine for free
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
looks legit
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.