*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
You Might Also Like
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.