In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
You Might Also Like
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The Assassin.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you