In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…