[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
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born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
a fate I wish upon no one
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
forgive me baja for i have blast
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.