In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
You Might Also Like
I have many caverns
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Just got to our Airbnb!
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.