@reallifemommy3

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

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@mom_tho

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

@QueenVofCoffee

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

@Reverend_Scott

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

@joe_binkley

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

@TheWinegasm

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

@MKupperman

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

@DadandBuried

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

@audipenny

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”