In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

You Might Also Like


5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard


Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.


Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!


Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.


Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”


I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers


My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.


A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”