In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?