[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
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genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.