*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
You Might Also Like
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Yes