[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.