[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

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You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed


I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.


911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
Me: Yep, he’s dead


Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*


This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.


I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me


Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.