@murrman5

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

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@daemonic3

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

@imlaurenmcguire

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

@

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

@BuckyIsotope

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

@GuyThe_Guy

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

@atDevin

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

@SavageDabs69

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.