@Robert_Beau

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

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@_NinJar

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

@LuvPug

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

@SteveSuckington

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

@jordan_stratton

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

@TheAlexP

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

@bjaynash

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

@noog

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

@NikiWithIssues

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?