In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
do u think theres a butter planet?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?