In a parallel universe nobody can park.

You Might Also Like


*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*


My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.


[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]


All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.


Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?


My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.


Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.


I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!


God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?