In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
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Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them