In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
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Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
“and how does that make you feel?”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t