In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.