[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
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It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird